may 01, 2025 why exactly is my life a never-ending cycle? am i meant to be repeating the same things over and over again? truly, it genuinely feels like sometimes im going through groundhog day. im not sure if im meant to learn something throughout all of this.. or perhaps ive realized now im being guided in a certain way.. but id really like to just have new experiences at this point. recently, i do feel in a way that ive kind of been given a restart to my life (as it compares so much to my life 7 years ago).. however, im just also not a fan of constantly repeating myself. this life is confusing. ive come to the conclusion that this life was meant to be almost retirement-like, you know... normal. i came to that conclusion at least 2 years ago. but i realized how much i really hate that and how i think it was a bad idea now. eh, well, its probably just my soul talking, but really, i cant stand this. i dont like being normal or conforming. maybe it wasnt my idea and it was moreso what im supposed to do, but i dont wanna do it. i dont wanna do it anymore, put me back. send me back, im not built for this, guys. why why whyyyy... and then it sends me into a spiral of boredom and isolation because id rather do nothing but nothing is NOTHING! nothing is not fun at all. nothing is nothinggg... i dont want nothing, i want something, and that something better be better than this, because this is NOTHING.
june 12, 2024 as i am surrounded by complete and utter boredom today, i realize that i probably only feel "okay" most of the time because i am always distracted by something. i have a strong desire to do something, but what? i dont know. i kind of like doing nothing, and yet i feel as if i am doing something wrong. i always feel like im missing out on something. i cant think of anything in particular. but theres something happening somewhere that im not there for, and it drives me nuts. i get so restless, i just wish i could be having fun. but.. as usual.. thats impossible for me.. so, all ive done is sit on the computer. at home, by myself. typical. it all feels so mindless. im not getting anything out of this. i almost feel like staring into space now.. i think i'll do that..
literally all my life EVER is, is staring at a screen, or laying around doing nothing, or eating something out of boredom, or going over the same shit ive been over a million times for the past 6 years. learning nothing new, only what i already know. ive never travelled anywhere in my life, never left my own state, never went out to amazing places or to really see nature, never. people say that travelling and experiencing different environments can really wake you up.. and maybe thats part of what i need in life. i think my soul really wants to explore, have fun, and be free.. yet i cant find anyway to do that yet. all of my connections are online, i know nobody in everyday life anymore. i havent seen or hung out with people in years - since highschool. and i dont know what it takes to make new friends either. i dont know how to talk to people or get to know people at all. i want to go outside, even alone.. but being with people would be so much fun.. a lot of fun i already missed out on during my teenage years..