august 29, 2024 some things come to an end. i feel awful lately. im going through a split because of my inability to really care about anything but my own emptiness. i try to be very hopeful about the entire situation, but i feel like i have failed this person and have been unable to provide them the things they need and are looking for. i know its the best thing to do, to find myself and focus on my problems.. but i feel like i wont get out of this anytime soon and nothing will change for the better. atleast for a long time. and it upsets me so much. i know what i must do, and yet i dont want to. i want to go back to a few days ago, even though im not doing anything bad or that i need to regret. and yet i regret it. because i made him feel bad. and i never wanted it to end. he hasnt made me feel this way, its just me. i cant imagine myself finding anyone else that will understand me or that ill feel very comfortable around. and yet, im letting it go..
i think if my life were to change for the better in the future, we could reunite together and resume everything. but i know very well, as i always have, that this is so very unlikely. and by the time that happens, if it ever does, he will likely have already found somebody a lot more capable than i. which i will support, but it does eat me up inside. however, i just cant go on the way i was. i cant keep someone stuck in a situation where they get nothing out of it, nothing from me, just to keep my peace of mind. thats selfish, and i would never forgive myself for that. which is exactly why i did what i had to. because i am not that kind of person and i never will be. i have too many things going on in my mind that nobody would really understand, and its just made me fold in on myself. but atleast this entire situation has shown me that i havent completely lost my ability to cry.
june 12, 2024 as i am surrounded by complete and utter boredom today, i realize that i probably only feel "okay" most of the time because i am always distracted by something. i have a strong desire to do something, but what? i dont know. i kind of like doing nothing, and yet i feel as if i am doing something wrong. i always feel like im missing out on something. i cant think of anything in particular. but theres something happening somewhere that im not there for, and it drives me nuts. i get so restless, i just wish i could be having fun. but.. as usual.. thats impossible for me.. so, all ive done is sit on the computer. at home, by myself. typical. it all feels so mindless. im not getting anything out of this. i almost feel like staring into space now.. i think i'll do that..
literally all my life EVER is, is staring at a screen, or laying around doing nothing, or eating something out of boredom, or going over the same shit ive been over a million times for the past 6 years. learning nothing new, only what i already know. ive never travelled anywhere in my life, never left my own state, never went out to amazing places or to really see nature, never. people say that travelling and experiencing different environments can really wake you up.. and maybe thats part of what i need in life. i think my soul really wants to explore, have fun, and be free.. yet i cant find anyway to do that yet. all of my connections are online, i know nobody in everyday life anymore. i havent seen or hung out with people in years - since highschool. and i dont know what it takes to make new friends either. i dont know how to talk to people or get to know people at all. i want to go outside, even alone.. but being with people would be so much fun.. a lot of fun i already missed out on during my teenage years..